December 26, 2012 03:55 AM UTC

Santa Visits Colorado Politicians

• 6 Comments
• by: ProgressiveCowgirl

It’s amazing what you can learn from an exhausted reindeer stopping by the barn for a hot mash before making his long journey back to the North pole. Straight from the reindeer’s mouth (by way of a certain Progressive CowPony acting as translator), a special Christmas bulletin on Santa’s visit to Colorado politicians’ households. Although some of Colorado’s elected officials landed on the naughty list, Santa (concerned that a lump of coal would be mistaken for a lobbyist’s gift) dropped personalized presents down the chimney for several figures of political prominence. Here’s a sampling:

Governor John Hickenlooper: Cheetos and goldfish.

State Senator Brophy: An industrial strength slingshot, so those melons won’t go unmolested after gun control passes.

Secretary of State Scott Gessler: One threatening letter, which may be used to escape responsibility for one future abuse of public funds.

Congressman Jared Polis: A partridge in a pear tree. He already had everything else…

Representative Max Tyler: Family-sized box of Enstrom’s milk chocolate toffee.

Congressman Ed Perlmutter: Winter coats for his staff, currently freezing in their mandatory ponchos.

Representative Jonathan Singer: Get-out-of-trouble-free card permitting ONE, and ONLY one “joint committee” or “high stakes” pun about Amendment 64 on the House floor.

Brian Watson: Free entry into an adult spelling bee.

Lang Sias: A newer edition of Photoshop for better sign clean-up the NEXT time he’s heralded as a “rising star” when jumping into a clearly lost race against a solid incumbent.

Attorney General John Suthers: A raise, pre-wrapped for regifting to the next person to hold his seat.

Representative Dan Pabon: Diapers and one good night’s sleep.

Secretary Ken Salazar: Large punch bowl, to be filled and kept handy for the next time a journalist upsets him. What are you talking about? He just offered that reporter a festive beverage! See, there’s another gallon of it right here, have a cup.

Congressman Mike Coffman: Body double willing to occasionally talk to CD6 constituents.

Denver Post Editorial Board: A list of people who may possibly run for Congress in 2014, besides the incumbents–with two years’ lead time, who knows, maybe they’ll endorse one.

If anyone else has Christmas intel on what Colorado’s boldface names found under their trees, post it in the comments…