Originally posted at http://thebobhatter.com/2010/1…
As we all know many of the voters wait for the endorsements to start coming in to a candidate before they make their decision, or they make a impulse choice while they are driving to the voting booth. So after careful thinking, prayer, using the Magic 8 Ball, flipping coins, and looking at the issues (snicker), I have finally come to the conclusion of who I shall endorse. Now I know my endorsement isn’t as important as John McCain’s, but I will rate it slightly higher than Colin Powell’s (we all know this is true because of my hat).
Governor’s Race: Dan Maes
No Governor in their right mind would ever allow me in the Governor’s Mansion. Even if it was a fundraiser and I paid, they would just assume I was doing one of those “Go to jail for money” fundraisers. So the only way I’ll ever have dinner in the Governor’s mansion is if I’m dating the Governor’s daughter.
Now obviously I have standards, so she better be good looking. Jordan Maes is pretty darn hot, it’s those eyes. I’ve also talked to her in person a couple of times, and she even has a personality. So even though Hickenlooper and Tancredo don’t have any daughters, so Maes wins by default, he wins by default by a landslide. Jordan, you have my number, call me.
Senate: Ken Buck
We need a fighter in the Senate. And this is why I chose Ken Buck. Looking at both Michael Bennet and Ken, I decided Ken would have a must easier time of whooping me in a MMA Cage fight. Considering Ken played football in college and kept his physique up, and I consider walking to 7-11 to pick up a Mountain Dew exercise, it would be no contest. He would remember all the negative things I said about lawyers during the primary and take it out on me. I can see me in a choke hold and Ken shouting “tell me what you think of lawyers NOW!”
Now if Michael Bennet really wants my endorsement, which again is only slightly less important than John McCain’s, he has to challenge me to a MMA Cage Fight. If he wins (snicker), I’ll gladly change my support.
Attorney General: John Suthers
Sectary of State: Bernie Buescher
Why are these two endorsements together? Because they are both telling the Federal Government to piss off. John Suthers joined with 20 other states to tell the Federal Government “Piss off; you can’t force the people of Colorado to buy health care.” Bernie told the Federal Government “Piss off; you can’t make me get ballots to Overseas voters that quickly!” Now granted when the Federal Government told Bernie “That’s adorable” Bernie was a good boy and did what he had to do by law, but we at The Bob Hatter love anyone who attempts to shaft the Federal Government.
Treasurer: Walker Stapleton
Walker Stapleton is a member of the Bush Family, but not important enough to have his own Wikipedia page (or even important enough be on the Bush Family Wiki Page.) We all know everything the Bush Family touches turns into gold (snicker), and treasurers are suppose to deal with money. So yea I think gets my endorsement. Plus I flipped a coin and he won.
CD-1: Mike Fallon
I once knew this guy, let’s call him Fred. Fred was interested in a girl WAY OUT of his league. I decided to humor myself I would tell Fred he has a chance with her, and even give him pointers (No seriously, she has a thing for guys who wear leather pants.) So after asking her out Fred got his hope and dreams crushed, she was upset he would even consider asking her out someone like her, and I was overall amused. Mike’s hope and dreams are just as adorable as Fred’s where. This is why I’m endorsing Mike Fallon.
CD-2: Bob Brancato
With a first name like Bob, there is NO POSSIBLE way he can lose. In fact you should donate money to him.
CD-3: Scott Tipton
When I was at the Republican Assembly, there was a dueling chant between Bob McConnell supporters and Scott Tipton supporters. If I wasn’t their representing a couple of Candidates, I would of shouted “Tipton has a hotter daughter!” From that moment on, I knew I would be a Tipton support for life (or until they all get married.)
CD-4: Doug Aden
On Doug Aden’s website, he declares he’s going to win with less than $5000. Anyone that arrogant will fit into congress perfectly.
CD-5: Jerrell Klaver
Jerrell gets my endorsement for three reasons. First Doug Lamborn not conservative enough. Second his hair is way better than Doug Lamborn’s. Third he makes soap for a living. We need more soap makers in Washington D.C. For the record I’m way above using any “clean up D.C.” jokes. Would never do that… ever.
CD-6: Mike Coffman
Do you realize how awesome Mike Coffman is? In 1990 he was a member of the Colorado House of Representatives. One day during a debate on Senate Bill 146, Rep. Coffman throw his chair through a wall and decided to do something “more productive.” And by more productive, he meant go win the Gulf War. The “lame stream” media told us all how Air Power was a huge part of winning the Gulf War, they lied. Operation Desert Storm consisted of Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff and Mike Coffman armed with only a really sharp stapler, a flintlock pistol, a box of Slim Jims, and a VHS of The Army of Darkness. They were so successful that to this day, parent in the Middle East warn their children that if they aren’t good the Chuck, the Hoff, and the Coff will get them. It was during this time Chuck Norris invented Mike Coffman jokes. This alone is enough to get my endorsement.
CD-7: Ed Perlmutter
I haven’t endorsed enough Democrats, so Perlmutter gets my endorsement via affirmative action. Yup No one is going to comment on this at all.
Now that I have given my endorsements, make sure every site changed their predictions to 1:1 favor for the person I have endorsed (I’m looking right at you Colorado Pols!)