April 06, 2020 11:16 AM UTC

Worried About COVID? Become a Trump Gold Card Member!

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• by: Colorado Pols

The fundraising solicitation emails from President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign have been raising eyebrows since well before impeachment escalated them into appeals to total war–but today’s coronavirus-themed missive to the faithful to pony up for victory still managed to leave us with our jaws a bit agape under our homemade face masks:

It’s no secret that our Nation was hit with a huge unforeseen challenge. We are in the midst of an all-out war with a dangerous invisible enemy, and our success will require the full measure of our strength, love, and devotion.

While I’m fighting for the safety of our Nation and its citizens, I need to know that you are fighting for me too. [Pols emphasis] I recently saw the roster of Trump Gold Card Members and noticed that your name was MISSING from the list.

You’ve always been one of my strongest and most loyal supporters, which is why I’m reaching out to give you one LAST CHANCE to activate your membership. When you join, my team will even send you your very own PERSONALIZED Gold Card…

In these trying times, Americans should welcome any advantage they can get! So here’s a poll:

Just in case anyone was wondering, we’re kidding, and we’re pretty sure your “Trump Gold Card” will not give you any kind of preferential status in the COVID-19 pandemic, with the Internal Revenue Service, or access to lifeboats on “unsinkable” ships. It’s a nice gimmick though, and it’s certainly possible a few low-information donors will want one in their pocket just in case. Hopefully they’re not spending their SSI checks.

Safe to say that the donors who have bought in at a sufficient level…don’t need cards.