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September 08, 2011 06:16 PM UTC

Republican Roundup at the Reagan Corral

  • 59 Comments
  • by: Middle of the Road

( – promoted by Colorado Pols)

So for those of you that chose to do something other than bore yourselves to death last night, indulge me while I summarize Wednesday night’s debate.

Allow me to introduce The Players at the 4th Republican Primary Debate for the 2012 Presidential Election (or more aptly titled, “We Worship and Honor You, Ronald Reagan”).

Herman Cain–founder of bad pizza and the even worse 9-9-9 plan. Whatever the hell that is. Fun guy in a “bring your crazy uncle to Christmas ’cause he’s got no where else to go” sort of way.

Rick Santorum–Who? Odds makers in Vegas right now are ramping up and taking bets on what day he officially drops out of a race no one realizes he’s in.

Jon Huntsman–the sanest man in the room. Publicly reiterated that his Party needs to stop running away from proven science that global warming exists and join the rest of us in the 21st century or the Republican Party will lose Independent voters. Also stated Bachmann’s $2 per gallon gas plan is “unrealistic.”

Both of those statements make it official–I, Middle of the Road, now have a better chance of becoming the next President of the United States than Jon Huntsman.

Ron Paul–a retired physician who I thank my personal Jesus every single day is no longer practicing medicine. Espouses ending everything government related and I do mean everything, including the TSA and Homeland Security. Prides himself on his ballsy, “think outside the box” approach but won’t man up enough to change his party affiliation to what he really is–a Libertarian.

Newt Gingrich–One of the best political strategists living today. Like him or hate him, he knows how to stay on message (“this is about making Obama a one term President”), unlike his unruly brethren. Unfortunately, like Rick Santorum, no one is aware he’s running for office. Throw his name on the odds makers’ board.

Michelle Bachmann–Articulate, good stage presence, promises $2 gallon gas and one free unicorn per family unit if elected, thinks we should never have been involved in the overthrow of Gaddafi (bad, bad idea overthrowing a dictator who tortured people), firm believer that we need to build a fence to keep out brown people–clearly her bold plan for creating jobs.

The steam and momentum of her campaign have been completely derailed by Perry’s entrance into the race. Was asked minimal questions and had about as much stage time as Huntsman and Santorum. Appears the moderators, for a good portion of the debate, forgot she was there, too.

Mitt Romney–defended Social Security-one of the clearest differences he carved out between himself and Rick Perry, defended (badly) his state health care program which our national plan now mirrors. A big fan of fences, took some cheap shots at Perry and his hair looked awesome.

Rick Perry–took shots from just about everybody. And why was that? Because everybody in the room knows he’s the current front runner. Declared himself the human piñata of the debate, which deeply impressed the audience with his vast depth of knowledge of a foreign language word.  

Called Social Security a “Ponzi scheme”, bragged about how awesome Texas education is (the state ranks dead last for those that graduate from high school) and then blamed Mexicans for everything that’s wrong with it, bragged about Texas’s health care system where 25% of the population is uninsured (that’s one out of four for those of you that don’t do percentages), bragged about how many people Texas has offed because capital punishment is awesome. Oh, and he’s a big fan of fences. And his hair looked awesome.

On a plus note, no one seemed to be packing heat so there were no duels, which is somewhat unfortunate since it would have made the debate slightly more interesting. The whole experience was so damned boring, I actually longed for Sarah Palin.  

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59 thoughts on “Republican Roundup at the Reagan Corral

        1. His economic policy is more of the usual failed rightie trickle down voodoo.  Of course he would be preferable to any of the others because he would actually work with Dems to get stuff done, a deal breaker as far as any chance of getting the opportunity is concerned. I did see the part where he pledged not to take (silly-my word) pledges and how that went over like a lead balloon. If you’re not willing to raise your hand to deny reality and pledge to defend nonsense in this crowd, you’re toast.

          1. that takes a (unit of measurement) shit-ton of principle.  I would love to hear what Republican 36 thinks about him, if he is around these days.

            1. He isn’t afraid to look at facts and act accordingly. He isn’t wedded to ideology and seems to understand that ideology and philosophy are only a starting point not the end of policy analysis. He realizes you can’t (realistically) ignore the facts on the ground. I would rank former Gov. Romney next.

              The remainder of the Republican field reminds me of one of my all time favorite bumper stickers:

              Never thought I’d miss Nixon

              1. if for some reason the crazyness loses its appeal in the party in the future I think we will see Huntsman again.

                A few weeks ago I mentioned we might see a Rommney/Perry ticket, which would be a strong one.  I think that is going to happen.  

                  1. Because traditionally presidential candidates pick vice-presidential candidates from a completely different region and Romney will not pull out the Southern vote with Rick (who?) on the ticket. Too close a proximity to Romney’s home turf.

                    I’m guessing Perry or Bachmann would be better choices, strategically speaking. Although since Bachmann’s campaign is imploding with staff changes, I’m not sure she will make it to the finish line for vice presidential consideration.  

                    1. but I think no one will pick Bachman and Santorum is loony enough for southerners/texans

                1. if for some reason the crazyness loses its appeal in the party in the future I think we will see Huntsman again.

                  Yep, I bet that’s what Hunty is thinking: if Obama beats Perry, the party in 2016 may look back and think, “hm, maybe far-right, loony, and reality-denying isn’t the way to go.”

                  1. The Republicans lost to Obama and blamed McCain for not being a crazy-enough conservative. This year they’re doubling down. Should they lose again, they’ll redouble those efforts again for 2016.

                    Huntsman would have to be the ultimate optimist to think that the GOTP will seek someone more moderate.

                    1. that there is a theoretical limit to the amount of crazy you can pour into a supposedly mainstream political party before either (a) the party completely collapses and someone picks up the pieces or (b) the party realizes it and swings back toward rationality.

                      Either way, Huntsman can be there.  Of course, the other options are that Republicans manage to screw up the voting process and otherwise dissuade enough people from voting that they continue to cruise in to power based on the votes of an ever-shrinking minority of citizens, or that they so dominate our culture that their created “reality” turns into mainstream thought.  Both of course are disastrous to the running of a real country, but Republicans are nonetheless pursuing both with incredible force.

                    2. Deeds speak louder than words.

                      Huntsman appointed teabagger asshole Jason Chaffetz as his Chief of Staff.

                      Name one way that makes Huntsman reasonable.

                    3. I think it is pretty similar to Chris Christie.  There is a lot of shit to hate about both of them. However, I think their stands against the prevailing, completely retarded, conservative tide of all Muslims are terrorists/global warming is bullshit are to be commended.

                      That being said, Jason Chaffetz is a useless ideologue asshole who has not one achievement in Congress.

                      Just one mans thoughts.

                    4. If so, let me know.

                      My own personal opinion of Christie is that he’s a fat, obnoxious asshole.  And “fat” has nothing to do with why I don’t like him.  It’s just descriptive.

                      Regarding Christie and Huntsman vs. Muslims, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

                    5. Just thought rare moments of clarity and common sense amongst the righties ought to be pointed out.  I know you don’t like Christie and being from New Jersey probably know a good bit better about him than I do.

  1. looking for summaries and reactions to the GOP debate after watching some after coverage, I went to a few rightie blogs to see what folks were saying.  Many thought Palin had won the debate, apparently unaware that she wasn’t there and isn’t officially even running.  After it was pointed out that Palin wasn’t there and wasn’t an announced candidate many showed up to say that she won by default anyway.

    Wonder how much hate mail Coulter and Ingraham have received after trashing Palin on Fox? Judging by the rightie blogs, I’d guess plenty.  

  2. Thanks for the rundown on the debate.

    Unfortunately I missed it because that’s my regularly scheduled time to trim my nose hairs, and when I went to do that the damn battery was dead! So I had to go over to Wal Mart and get a new battery.

    Seems like I didn’t miss much though. Just a few observations:

    If Bachman wants to build a fence to keep out illegals, then it will have to be built with illegal labor, because that’s the only construction workers we have left.

    Perry better be careful blaming everything on the Mexicans, since the Mexicans once owned Texas and they just might want it back.

    And good hair is important. Just ask John Edwards.

                1. Except the “short list” would have to be pretty long, way longer than I think it is, for that to be true.

                  But – I acknowledge that you are wayyy ahead of me.

    1. no doubt has a new Rasmussen that shows not a single sentient being approves of Obama at this point. Anyone who thinks they do is reading the wrong polls  

  3. * Perry’s excuse for being dead last in health coverage – federal government regulation.  What?  Like none of states 1-49 are part of the same union and subject to the same federal regulations?

    * The audience applauded when it was pointed out that Texas has had more executions in the past decade than all the other states combined.  This should clue you in to the type of voters the GOP is courting.

    1. under the broad umbrella of “it’s all the illegal Mexicans fault”. Pretty much blames the federal government, brown people and everyone else that fails to take action and place them all in giant internment camps until we can round up every last one of them. Talk about a jobs program!  

    1. So yeah, Huntsman comes off as practical and smart, in a ideology is ok, but at some point you gotta get stuff done kind of way.  LIke Newt used to do on his best days.

      You can have my vote for Bachman/Perry/Paul etc when you steal it from my cold dead hand.

    2. In my ideal world, no-one who was willing to take credit for the worst education system in the country would get so far as to get on a national stage to run for President.  No-one who said that wages in their state were fine because they averaged more than the minimum wage would be a serious candidate.

      In a Republican Presidential debate, no person who promised to lower gas prices to a level they could not attain without radical government price controls would be allowed to attend because the party would have kicked them to the side long before they got there.

      I want Eisenhower, Bush 41, Lincoln, TR.  Heck, I miss Nixon compared to this bunch.

  4. Cain didn’t establish Godfather’s; they brought him in as CEO to turn it around, which he did. As far I can tell, that success story is pretty weak; I remember there being several Godfather’s around 30 years ago, but there are only a couple in the entire state today. Maybe they have a bigger presence in another part of the country…

  5. If I were still a Republican, I would work myself up into a deeply offended lather about the harsh rhetoric MOTR is using here, which suggests that liberals are planning to put all us perpetual Republican victims of everyone into concentration camps. And then my crocodile tears would flow like a river.

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