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April 01, 2012 05:00 PM UTC

Halliburton to Sponsor CO Microbrew Fest

1 Comments
by: JFrackenlooper

Fun for the Whole Family! Its a bi-partisan love affair!

APR 1-In a move to highlight the Colorado Oil and Gas Conservation Association (the new merger of COGA and COGCC, a strict efficiency move) and our ‘Frack-Me-Up-Colorado’ campaign (Motto: ‘No Harm, No Foul’*), Halliburton and my newly unveiled ‘Same Song Different Dance–Dirty Old Energy Office‘ eagerly announce the first annual “CO Microbrews for the Frackers” festival and family carnival.

The event–billed as bi-partisan family fun–hopes to highlight what is unique about Colorado: that companies can drill for oil and gas here too.

“When people think of CO they think of mountains, microbrews, and fresh Rocky Mountain water–being pumped thousands of feet into the ground to bring up oil (and MONEY!!!) into our communities,” said GOP wannabe-me Squashed Penny. “But we’ll also have something for the tykes to do.”

Proceeds will benefit Denver water lawyers as they battle to take more water from the Western Slope and from Front Range farmers to inject into frack holes; and to help COGCA staff in the field mitigate local governments getting uppity.

Entertainment will include the EnCana Stringband, the Pipeline Players, and DeeJay Toxic–laying down his unique compressor-station beat @ 60 decibels all night long!

Some of Colorado’s finest frackmasters will be on hand to share their wares–from refreshing Industrial Pale Ales and loggers to stimulating stouts.

“Don’t let the saying ‘it’s 99% water and sand’ fool you–these concoctions pack a punch,” said BJ Sarvices, one of the competing frackmasters. “Our proprietary mash and our use of pristine Rocky Mountain spring water–right from the headwaters of the most utilized river in the American West–makes brews like the ‘Poison Pils’ a winner in the field,” he said.

And while Microbrews and family fun might not always go together, we want folks to know that we have not forgotten the next generation of scrubbers and grubbers, drillers, diggers, frackers and money-changers. This is a family affair with something for everyone to enjoy.

Shots of Clean Stim and Greeley ‘Pink Slime’ burgers will be the featured treat at the CO GOP Senate Tent. And the entire family can enjoy a delicious whipped treat (made with food grade products) at the Schlumberger Shake Hut.

Activities include the legislator bidding table where Ernest ‘PT’ McNulty will sell off state lawmakers to whomever can cobble together enough cash. “Its cheaper than you think,” the speaker–Ernest McNulty–spoke. “Unless you want a committee chair, you’d be surprised how affordable picking up your own legislator really is. Especially if you come by in the afternoon–prices will be slashed!”

Over at the Encana State Wildlife Petting Farm (and off-site mitigation area) kids can see how many drill rigs they can fit on a game board before all the deer fall off.

People can also take aim at Scott Gessler in a dunk tank, where he will sit to raise money to help the GOP challenge his office in the future–should he be compelled to enforce the laws he was elected to uphold.

And everyone from the bored teenager to your out-of-work uncle can enjoy hours of fun at nearby Chevron Vo-Tec Park, as they hook up high pressure hoses and blast millions of gallons of god-knows-what thousands of feet into the ground!

*’No harm’ statements cannot be verified. Cancer clusters, weird ailments, and other ‘anecdotal’ storytelling that seem prevalent in and around gas and oil development remain inconclusive. Years and years and years and years of further study is needed, which we absolutely support.

One thought on “Halliburton to Sponsor CO Microbrew Fest”

nancycronk says:

April 1, 2012 at 7:15 pm

On a completely serious note — Every time we go on vacation (usually some western state we can drive to, but this last time, Florida), my kids always say, “I want to move here when I’m on my own”. The conversation usually turns to me telling them all the great reasons to stay in Colorado, and how lucky they are to live here. This time, it turned to fracking, and how the Democrat’s pledge to care for “land, air, water, and people” (a la Ken Salazar’s campaign ’06 promises) was corrupted by our Governor’s support of fracking. This time, I told the kid’s, “The Republicans are infinitely worse on the environment, but neither party seems to get it lately.”. Sad times for Colorado.

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Halliburton to Sponsor CO Microbrew Fest

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