August 15, 2022 11:16 AM UTC

Being Lauren Boebert's Neighbor, And Other Things That Suck

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• by: Colorado Pols

[mantra-pullquote align=”right” textalign=”left” width=”50%”]“There’s about to be some s— going down here,” the second neighbor told dispatchers. “It’s Lauren Boebert’s jackass husband, Jayson Boebert.”[/mantra-pullquote] As the Denver Post’s Conrad Swanson reports–have you ever had the pleasure of neighbors on your block with that perfect combination of noisy, gas-powered hobbies and a great big chip on their shoulder just waiting to be knocked off so they can launch a good old-fashioned Kentucky-style family feud?

That’s the experience of residents of Panoramic Drive in Silt, a town we’ll grant that’s prettier than the name suggests, where freshman GOP Tasmanian devil of controversy Rep. Lauren Boebert lives with her husband Jayson Boebert and four up-and-coming male mini-Boeberts who Boebert proudly tells the world she is “raising to be men.”

What does that mean, you ask?

“I’m sure he’s loaded to the hilt. Do you know who his wife is? Lauren Boebert. She’s loaded. They all have guns,” one neighbor told a 911 dispatcher. “He just got chest to chest, face to face, looking to fight.” [Pols emphasis]

…The incident began in the evening hours of Aug. 4, after a neighbor flagged down one of Boebert’s sons asking him to stop speeding up and down their street in a dune buggy, according to the calls and a short incident report filed by deputies.

“He’s going like 50 miles an hour and this is a residential lane, there’s kids,” one neighbor, told 911 dispatchers, according to the audio. “We tried to stop him and he’d just freakin’ cuss at us and just left.”

That neighbor could not immediately be reached for comment, but she was so flustered that she had a difficult time recalling her own phone number when asked by the dispatcher.

“It’s the Boeberts, if you know who the Boeberts are,” she said. “I need the sheriff out here.”

The Grand Junction Sentinel’s Charles Ashby:

“RP (respondent) adv (advised) they asked the kids to slow down and that was when ‘all hell broke loose,’ ” according to the report, which was listed as a domestic disturbance. “RP adv Jason threatened, yelling at RP and everyone else, telling them to shut the (expletive) up.”

…According to the incident report, Jayson Boebert claimed that someone “took a swing at his son,” and the “kid with the (RZR ATV) have been racing up and down the street.” It also said, ‘M is running over RPs mailbox,” and that “Jason is looking to fight with everyone in the neighborhood.” [Pols emphasis] The report said it was unknown if weapons or drugs were involved.

In the audio of the 911 call, a neighbor expresses concern that Jayson Boebert was intoxicated, owns guns, and “threatened everybody that I know standing here right now.” The incident apparently began when one of Boebert’s sons was stopped by a neighbor who asked him to stop blasting a dune buggy up and down their residential street at high speeds, after which Boebert’s son (raised to be a man) told that neighbor to f-bomb off and went to get his Dad, who–again like any man raised to be a man would–proceeded to threaten everybody present and run over a neighbor’s mailbox with his truck.

All told, it’s a touching story of coming of age in America, very much in keeping with Boebert’s obstreperously lowbrow public image–perhaps less ingratiating as delivered by her flasher husband and foul-mouthed son. Garfield County Sheriff Lou Vallario is, as readers know, one of Lauren Boebert’s original fanboys, and that’s the best reason we can think of why all of this disorderly conduct trending toward menacing resulted in no criminal charges. Though really, would you want to live down the street from Jayson Boebert after he was charged with committing a crime against you?

Sadly for property values on Panoramic Drive, we’d move at a loss. At least the rest of CD-3 can vote on it.